Sean four-peats

With the Gehlke Bros.' fame growing exponentially during 2002, the Bros. moved their season-ending awards ceremony to a place that has become synonymous with football in America today, a place that represents the NawFuL in all its... er, NawFuLness — the streets of Oakland, California. The time: 7:26 p.m. Stupor Bore Sunday. The place: Between two parked cars in the business district. The event is hosted by Steve Mariucci.

Steve Mariucci: (Ducking flying beer bottle) I'd like to welcome you all to the 19th annual Gehlke Bros. Football awards ceremony. It's such a pleasure being here in Oakland this evening, and seeing the tremendous fan support.

(Heavyset man with black-and-silver stripes painted on his face jumps on the hood of one of the parked cars and begins screaming obscenities.)

S.M.: It isn't often that I get to host an event of this caliber. Heck, normally I probably would have turned these guys down when they called begging for a host, but I'm between jobs at the moment and... well, they offered me a salad bar at the Sizzler in Emeryville, so I couldn't possibly say no. (Wipes a tear from his eye.) But enough of me. It's time to introduce tonight's master of ceremonies, a man who stands head, shoulders and helmet above the rest, please welcome Dwayne Rudd.

(Chorus of jeers ensues as drunken crowd staggers past and sets an effigy of John Gruden on fire in the middle of the street, stomps on the flaming ashes.)

Dwayne Rudd: (Picks up dangling karaoke microphone.) Is this thing on? Wow. So this is Oakland! These guys sure know how to throw a party. Reminds me of the great folks in Cleveland, except there we use a little more of a windup before we toss our beer bottles. Here, let me demonstrate... (Hoists a half-empty bottle of Pepsi One and lofts it into the mob. It bounces off a heavily-tattooed biker dude who is in the middle of overturning a parked car. No ones seems to notice.)

S.M.: Hey, Dwayne, we ought to keep things moving here. I understand the Sizzler runs out of lettuce around 8 o'clock...

D.W.: Sure thing, Mooch. (Checks his watch.) Without further delay, I'm here to present this year's Surfy trophy to Junior Bro Sean. What is this, like the eighth time he's won?

Glenn: (Eyes narrowed.) Fourth time.

Sean: Fourth straight time.

D.W.: Which is more times than the Browns have been to the Super B—

Glenn: (Quickly clamping hand over Dwayne's mouth.) We never use those words in the NawFuL! Besides, they might conjure up feelings of... inadequacy... among some members of our audience tonight.

(Twentysomething woman with wild hair and dressed in Rich Gannon jersey swings from a lamp post shouting, "Raiders rule! Raiders rule!")

D.W.: Sorry, Glenn. Didn't mean to make you feel inadequate.

Glenn: No, not me! I meant—

S.M.: Guys, the salad bar?

D.W.: Yes, well. (Scoops up Surfy trophy from bumper of crumpled Ford Escort.) Sean, on behalf of the NawFuL and great football prognosticators everywhere, I'd like to present you with this year's Surfy trophy. (Inexplicably throws the gold statuette high into the air, but Sean reacts quickly to haul it in.)

Sean: Hey, you got fingerprints on it! Did you sneak into my apartment and take this off my shelf?

D.W.: (Racing to join mob scene as police arrive with tear gas.) Someone's gotta show these Oakland guys how to throw stuff.

Sean: (Sighs heavily, caresses trophy.) I'd like to thank my fans for all their support this year, and especially the Senior Bro for making this fourth consecutive award all possible.

Glenn: (Leaning chin bemusedly on one fist.) Just remember, the Buffalo Bills lost four championships in a row too, and we all know what happened to them!

Sean: Their coach retired and they lost all their best players to old age and the salary cap, then fell from grace and haven't been to the Stupid Brawl since?

Glenn: Uhhhhh... (Gazes ponderously at silver-and-black attired people running in terror down the street as tear gas cannisters streak overhead and glass shatters somewhere in the distance.)

Sean: In conclusion, I would like to thank our hosts tonight, Steve and Dwayne, and pledge to the world (or at least the couple hundred of you who might have been watching this year) that I will be back for my fifth straight title next season.

S.M: (Wiping drool from corner of his mouth.) Sizzler? Now?

(Steve and the Bros. duck some more flying debris and hop into one of the parked cars, letting the fans in Oakland return to their celebration of football greatness.)

— See you in September!

Season update — Sean wins by 14

The final week of the season is the time for all good football champions to step up, whether they are playing on the gridiron or simply watching the action from their comfy chairs. We here at Gehlke Bros. Football fall into the latter category, of course, but we approach the final games of the season with the same intensity as any team on the field. Which is to say that those still in contention for titles pick it up a notch while the rest of us contemplate our off-season vacation plans.

The only remaining suspense in the Gehlke Bros. competition coming into Week 17 was whether Ben could hold on to his 1-game lead over his uncle Sean and pull off an unofficial season championship. Things looked promising after the Raiders beat Kansas City on Saturday, but alas Ben's luck ran out on Sunday as Sean picked up wins with Buffalo, the Jets and Indianapolis to come from behind and achieve the season's best record.

Glenn fared no better against the Junior Bro, dropping three of four splits to wind up down 14 for the season, completing one of the quickest and largest swoons the Bros. competition has experienced in years. It now seems hard to believe that it was all tied up seven weeks ago. Apparently this was just Sean's year. Congratulations on a fourth straight Surfy trophy!

Sean won the final week with an 11-5 mark. Ben and Glenn tied at 9-5. We were all correct in predicting wins by Pittsburgh, Washington, New England, Minnesota, Tennessee and Denver. Our clairvoyant abilities failed us in losses by Atlanta, New Orleans, San Diego and the 49ers.

And now for the final tallies... For the season (256 games) Sean wins with a 158-97-1 record or 61.9 percent, down from his 66.5 percent accuracy rating in 2001. Ben, who posted the biggest improvement for the second straight year, was 157-98-1 for 61.5 percent, up from 59.7 percent the year before. Glenn brought up the rear with his 144-111-1 mark, or 56.6 percent, off considerably from last year's mark of 63.7 percent. On the bright side, there's no place to go but up next year! There were 52 splits (20.3 percent of all games) between the Bros. in 2002, down from 57 (23.0 percent) in 2001.

Now here are some interesting stats: Of the 17 weeks, Sean compiled the best mark (or tied for it) eight times. Ben also accomplished that feat eight times. Glenn did so only three times. Ben had the single best week at 13-3 (Week 14) and the worst (Week 4) at 5-9. Sean's best week was 12-4 (twice, in weeks 11 and 15) and his worst a 6-8 (Week 6). Glenn's best was 11-5 (Week 16) and his worst 6-10 (Week 12).

GEHLKE BROS. UPDATE: That's it for the 2002 season. We'll be back in January for the presentation of the Surfy trophy, then we're off to plan strategy for 2003.

2002 weekly results

  1. Week 1 — Dwayne Rudd, the great equalizer.
  2. Week 2 — Assault and pepper spray.
  3. Week 3 — Bringin' out the bags in St. Louis.
  4. Week 4 — Home field advantage rears its ugly head.
  5. Week 5 — Rams lose again. Ho-hum...
  6. Week 6 — Time to find a new coin to flip.
  7. Week 7 — A NawFul nightmare in the land of OZ.
  8. Week 8 — Even it up.
  9. Week 9 — Bros. get a bye while Ben cleans up.
  10. Week 10 — Fit to be tied.
  11. Week 11 — The Eagle is grounded.
  12. Week 12 — Turkeys leave Bros.' goose cooked.
  13. Week 13 — Two is a magic number.
  14. Week 14 — Going down in flames.
  15. Week 15 — Are we there yet?!
  16. Week 16 — Making our picks, checking them twice.
  17. Week 17 — Champions step up.