It was another cold February afternoon at Gehlke Bros. headquarters, where the Senior Bro. was doing his annual dusting of the empty shelf where the coveted Surfy trophy once sat. Not even terrorist attacks in September that delayed the conclusion of the NFL season by a week could prevent the inevitable: Sean had captured the prize for a third straight year.
The dust rose in great plumes, tickling Glenn's nose. He felt a sneeze coming on. So much dust. At that moment the phone rang. He answered. It was an anonymous caller. Someone who had been following the Gehlke Bros. Football site for several years and had news to share.
"Is this the Senior Bro? Hey, loser, better turn on ESPN4 right now. The Patriots are holding a special news conference." The line went dead.
Glenn grabbed the cable controller and flipped the dial to Channel 211. There was Pats owner Bob Kraft, surrounded by microphones, spouting off about the Bros. Glenn couldn't believe it.
"...I'd just like to say, for those dudes in California who run that insulting Web site — the NawFuL — where they keep referring to us as 'Patsies' and 'Pastries,' we're the ones holding the Lombardi Trophy today. And we're never giving it back. Hahahahaha!"
The reporters watched in awe as Kraft tucked the silver statue under his arm and scurried to a waiting Lear jet and streaked into the skies above Massachusetts.
As Glenn was contemplating this event, the phone rang again. It was his younger Bro, Sean.
"Hey, little Bro. Did you see that? Kraft said we insulted him."
"Yeah," said the Junior Bro. "You'll have to think up more suitable pejoratives for next season when Detroit wins it all. By the way, I'm polishing my trophy today. It's looking really good here on my bookshelf."
"No doubt. Well, don't let it get too comfy there because it will be coming home in a few months."
"A few months from what decade?"
"Ouch. Well, congratulations all the same. It was a tough season and just about anything could have happened, what with the way the NawFuL teams play nowadays."
Sean laughed lustily into the receiver. "What? You thought that was tough? I've had a tougher time trying to figure out how many games are worth watching each week. I made all my picks with my eyes closed at the start of the season. It was easy. You should try it sometime."
"Hmmmm. I guess my way of picking the losers each week does leave something to be desired. I'll have to rethink this thing. Maybe there's a class I can take at the community college during the off-season."
"Maybe you can have Ben give you some pointers."
"My 7-year-old son? Well, he is getting better. He might be a threat to win it all next year."
"Right, just like the Pats are gonna repeat in Super Bowl XXXVII."
"Hey, don't start speaking alphabet soup at me. That reminds me, I'm hungry. Think I'll go eat some more of my words. They sounded so good when I said them in September."
"Guess Bob Kraft didn't think so. Well, have a good lunch and start working on those picks for September."
"I will. And I'll get better. You'll see!"
"Yeah, right!" Sean hung up the phone, leaving Glenn to contemplate the dusty patch on his empty shelf.
Not even extending the season by a week could prevent the inevitable as Sean secured his third consecutive Gehlke Bros. Football season championship this week. The Bros. played to a 1-1 tie in the final week's splits, with Glenn getting some help from Indianapolis while Sean benefited from yet another Arizona loss at the hands of the Redskins.
There were remarkably few surprises in the final week, and those there were the Bros. were mostly prepared for. The biggest shock might have been that we all picked Detroit to win, which indeed they did -- for only the second time all year. The woeful Raiders skulked into next week's playoffs by dropping their fourth game in a row, this time to the Jets at the Oakland Coliseum. If we were the betting type (and perhaps we must be to have carried on like this for so many NawFuL seasons!) we'd have to like the Rams' chances of winning it all. They pasted Atlanta on Sunday to complete a 14-2 season. Of course, we will be cheering on the Niners, who must escape the frozen tundra next week if they have any hope of a shot at their sixth Stupor Bowl title.
OK, here are the final numbers: For the week, Glenn and Sean tied at 11-4, with Ben coming in at 9-6. We were all correct on our predictions of winners Miami, Detroit, Green Bay, New England, San Francisco, St. Louis, Chicago and Pittsburgh. We missed badly on Cincinnati's upset of the Titans (remember them? Who cares anymore?), and we also all flubbed wins by Philadelphia and the Jets.
For the season (248 games total), Sean wins the Surfy trophy (and the handsome shammy to knock the dust off his shelf for another year) with a 165-83 record for a 66.5 percent accuracy rating. That bested last year's mark of 63.7 percent. Glenn finished second at 158-90 (63.7 percent), seven games back. That was still better than his 2000 season in which he finished at 62.1 percent. Ben had the best improvement, however, finishing at 148-100 (59.7 percent), 17 games back of his uncle. That was up from a 55.2 percent accuracy rating in 2000. So even though we couldn't all win the Surfy we still all bested our own records.
NawFuL UPDATE: That's it for the 2001 season as far as the Bros. are concerned. We'll update the site with the Surfy presentation in a few weeks and then start the countdown to September 2002. It's been fun. Good luck in the NawFuL draft, Panthers!
